


my heart only knows you

by adorechan



Series: loving you has consequences (that i'm willing to take) [10]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, First Love, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Texting, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-29 21:49:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17816123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adorechan/pseuds/adorechan
Summary: all i can do is love you and its killing me.





	1. chan.

**Author's Note:**

> angst? haha yes  
> chanshua? haha yes
> 
> also im crying i love svt so much

_P A R T I : it hurts, it hurts._

there's nothing chan can do. he can love and he can love but nothing changes. he's just the little baby, the maknae and he will always been seen as such. especially, in the eyes of jisoo. he's more of a mother hen than jeonghan, always making sure everyone is healthy, both physically and mentally. he talks to the members often after their problems ad he loves them dearly. in a brotherly way, of course.

chan hates it. he hates the way he loves the man who treats him just like any other. he hates the way he loves the man so deeply and fully. he hates that this man has ever and  _will_ never love him in the way he wishes. he hates it, he hates himself, and he hates they way it hurts so fucking much. a constant ache in the deepest part of his chest that will forever make him hurt. it erodes away, chipping his fragile heart but he cannot stop. he cannot stop loving jisoo.

it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts but he can take it. 

but when vines start growing in his lungs and flowers erupt from his mouth, he's not so sure anymore. 

_P A R T I I : addicted to the pain_

he coughs and seungcheol gives him a worried look but he just waves it off. he's fine. it doesn't hurt anymore. after a month of constant vomiting of flowers, he's sure no other pain can top this. then, jisoo starts dancing. music loud and movements gracefully fluid. muscles ripple and chan's heart explodes for the millionth time. it hurts but he ignores it, watching the love of his life dance to the music playing. he was just having fun, messing around but chan couldn't help but think he still looked beautiful doing what he did. 

he coughs once again, this time his whole body shaking as he does. a cough attack overcomes him and he can't stop. it hurts, god does it hurt but his eyes can't seem to unfocus from where they are stuck on jisoo. the music is stopped as the members crowd around him, jisoo included. finally the coughing subsides, his fingers come back stained red and his throat is burning. he can feel the petals trying to come up but he so desperately pushed them back down. 

"i'm fine." he says weakly as he wipes the blood against his black pants. he wears black clothes a lot more now and he's much more gloomy. he hates this so much but his heart always travels back to jisoo.

"you should see a doctor, chan. i'm worried." seungcheol replies, slinging his arm across chan's shoulders.

"yeah. i really think you should." jisoo pipes up and chan's heart stings.

"i'm fine." he repeats.

"no, chan. you're really not." jisoo says, stepping closer.

"i'm  _fine._ " he yells, "so, just leave me alone, yeah?"

the room falls silent as chan finally realizes the words he just yelled, hands shaking. "oh my god. i'm s-sorry. i'll just go, practice's over anyways. s-see you all at the dorms." he basically whispers as he hurriedly grabs his things. he runs out of the practice room while soonyoung's shouting out his name, telling him to come back. tears well up in his eyes and he just keeps running until he's back at the dorms. 

he heads to the bathroom, finally letting the petals free from their cage inside himself. he vomits, coughs and gags as petals, thorns and blood come from within. it  _hurts._

the petals are too stained with blood that he can't even tell what type of flowers he just coughed up.

_P A R T I I I : falling_

petals fall from his lips.

he's still falling deeper in love with jisoo.

he keeps falling during dance practice, too tired to stand anymore.

he's falling

and he's not so sure how to get up.

_P A R T I V : learning_

learning how to cope, how to live with this horrible disease may be the easiest part. others learning about this disease may be, it is, his worst nightmare. 

imagine this. it's three am in the morning and you're coughing up blood, petals, and thorns. then, the bathroom doorknob jiggles. your eyes widen in fear but you can't even manage 'just a minute, hyung!' the coughing is so intense.

"yah! hurry up in there." calls soonyoung's voice. chan can tell the older boy is still half-asleep. and he can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe. the fear of someone finding out his secret paralyzes him and he's frozen. still, the flowers growing in his lungs give him no moments of rest. he gags, coughing up the petals that are stuck inside of his throat.

"hey.." soonyoung calls, his voice a bit worried now, "i'm coming in, alright? its been five minutes." 

the door opens and chan sobs. soonyoung freezes at the sight. blood and petals everywhere and chan in the middle of it. he hurries over to chan, dropping down onto his knees and sobs.

"how-how could we have not known?" he cries, holding chan in his arms as the last few petals drift from chan's mouth. so terribly wrinkled and stained. he sobs into chan's shoulder, "i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

learning is most definitely the worst part. 

_P A R T V : joshua or jisoo, whichever you prefer_

chan has always loved jisoo. since they very first day they met. he was entranced by jisoo's beauty and encased by joshua's silliness. he was struck with jisoo's smile and pierced with joshua's cat eyes. even if he was young, he knew what love felt like, smelt like, looked like. everything was jisoo.

he was sweet, and playful and oh-so mischievous. he liked to twist nipples, make people smile and love with all his heart could.

jisoo was his everything, is his everything. even when he is dying, even if its because of jisoo, chan cannot help but fall in love deeper and deeper each day.

it all started with " _hello. i'm from california. my name is joshua or jisoo, whichever you prefer."_

chan is absolutely sure that is when he fell in love.

  _P A R T V I : steps on how to fall out of love_

**1\. don't touch, don't think, don't look.**

"this one is simple, chan. the easiest out of all of them," soonyoung begins, "don't touch him unless you must. for example, in our dances or if he touches you first. i think it will be rude if you, like, push him away."

"okay, hyung. what's next?"

"don't think," soonyoung replies, "this one might be a little harder but bear with me."

"okay, hyung. last part?"

"don't look. don't look when he's dancing, eating, singing or anything. i know looking at him makes you sick the most."

"okay hyung. what's the second rule?"

**2\. always, and i mean always, tell me when you need a break**

"i don't care if we're in the middle of a dance practice or an interview. tell me what you need it when you need it. right then and there."

"i don't want to be a burden to you, hyung."

"you will never be a burden."

"anything else?"

**3\. do your best**

"i know it's hard. falling out of love is not easy, but.. it can be done. it has to be done. you refuse to take the surgery and i don't- i don't want you to die."

"i will do my best, hyung. i won't- i won't fail you or let anyone else down."

a pat on the head, "don't worry, chan. i believe in you."

_P A R T V I I : stop it. i'm supposed to be falling out of love with you!_

his eyes are beautiful.

his lips are beautiful.

his body is beautiful.

his personality is beautiful.

he is perfectly beautiful.

chan hates it.

he's supposed to be falling out of love with jisoo

but how can he when jisoo is just so beautiful?

_P A R T V I I I : blood. so much blood._

it's almost four am and soonyoung's still at the studio, practicing the dances. tomorrow he's showing the choreography that he has started for their new song and he needs to get it right before he does.

he phone dings! and he sighs, stopping the music and picking it up from where it sits on a sofa.

**channie~!**

_help_

_dorm bathroom_

soonyoung runs out of the dance room at the speed of light, not bothering to close the door or turn off the lights. he reaches the dorm as fast as he can, sweat running down his back in trails and panting. he kicks off his shoes and hurries to the upstairs bathroom where chan's room is located. he hears retching as soon as he arrives on the floor.

seungcheol, jeonghan and jisoo are crowded around the door, talking in hushed whispers. the rest of the members are also gathered around, sleepily and panicked.

"wh-what's going on?" soonyoung pants as soon as he sees the rest of seventeen.

"chan's been in there for a while. he sounds really sick but he won't let us in." jisoo replies as the two eldest members continue talking to each other in whispers.

"let me try.." he says, pushing through to the front of the small crowd. he sighs, knocks on the bathroom door and says, "it's soonyoung."

the door's lock is audibly clicked open and he pushes the door open. 

chan's sitting in a pile of blood and petals, tears streaming down his face as he barely hangs onto consciousness. 

"call a fucking ambulance." soonyoung sobs as he falls to his knees, and cradles chan in his arm, "CALL THEM!"

_P  A R T I X : surgery_

"i don't fucking care, chan! you're getting the surgery. you almost fucking died!" soonyoung screams, tears about to spill.

"i still love him, please. just, just a few more days!" he yells back, already crying.

"i don't care. you're getting the surgery and that's final. do you know how scared i was? do you know how scared we all were?" soonyoung says, tears spilling down his chubby cheeks.

chan stays silent.

"we thought our baby was going to die, please! take the surgery for us. for me. for jisoo."

"okay. i will."

the surgery is scheduled for the next day.

_P A R T X : aftermath_

the surgery is successful.

the members crowd around him and chan smiles happily. each boy has their own little time with chan, one at a time so he isn't overwhelmed. they go in order from their numbers.

it's jisoo's turn.

"hey, chan." he says as he closes the door and heads to sit down next to the recovering boy.

"oh, um. hey!" chan replies, confusion evident on his face.

"what's wrong? you look confused." jisoo chuckles.

"oh, i wanted to say something earlier but i thought it would be rude with everyone else around.. but, who are you?"


	2. jisoo.

**P A R T I : hanahaki disease**

_those who undergo the surgery to remove the hanahaki disease have a 50% chance of survival. those who do survive have a 0% chance of remembering the person they loved._

 

**P A R T I I : petals**

jisoo coughs up a single petal. a dead lily.

_dead flower petals mean sadness._

_lillies mean death._

**P A R T I I I : meanings**

the death of love.


End file.
